How often do you engage in the kind of conversation that stimulates changes in performance? Before you answer this question, reflect on the following: How many conversations do you have during an average day? How many of these simply function as social lubricants helping you slide through the day without having to address the real and important issues you face? How many of them really matter?
Now, reflect on the few significant conversations you had over the last week. Consider the following: at the end of the conversation did you feel complete – did you say everything you needed to say to that person at that time? Did you feel good about the interaction? If so, notice why. If not, consider why not. Notice if there was something else you wish you had said or done. For example, do you feel that you held back in the conversation, and if so, in what ways and why? Did you find yourself later having the conversation you wish you had had – but doing so with another co-worker, friend or perhaps your spouse?
If so, you are not alone.Leaders at all organizational levels are being asked to be more coach-like with their team members, colleagues, and even their customers. Unfortunately, many of us who lead organizations find ourselves ill-equipped to provide such coaching. It’s not that we lack the requisite interpersonal and leadership competencies, but that coaching requires more. It challenges us to engage in a different kind of conversation; one that confronts real issues and is, therefore, risky, uncertain and often uncomfortable. Coaching requires us to engage in the “dangerous conversation” – dangerous because the conversation confronts questions that need to be asked and the issues that make even the best of us uncomfortable. (Incidentally, we are equally uncomfortable confronting the good stuff as we are in confronting the bad.)
Walk Away Empty
When we engage in a dangerous conversation we walk away empty; everything that needed to be addressed was said in the moment, to the person with whom it needed to be said. We know immediately when we have done this because we feel great.
Even if we have a very difficult message for another about his performance, if we share our real thoughts, we can take comfort in knowing our work is done.
We did not hold back in our communication. We respected the other person enough to tell him the truth, and we cared enough about his success to take the risk and to be uncomfortable for his benefit. As a result, we are no longer forced to carry the conversation with us. We leave with a sense of peace. Conversely, we also know immediately when we haven’t given everything to a conversation. We held back, not wanting to hurt another and arrogantly believing that our truth would be too much for that person to handle. We leave the interaction feeling unsettled, still filled with our real concerns and all the thoughts we censored, left to run them over and over again in our mind. Sometimes we even seek out a third party with whom to finally speak our truth–the conversation that we didn’t have the courage to share more directly.
Leaders who foster exceptional performance in those they work with and through, have the dangerous conversation. They are willing to take the risk of sharing their true thoughts and concerns. Sometimes this requires them to recognize the exceptional work of a colleague, other times it may require them to share their deep concerns with their boss and her performance. Either way, leader coaches are those people who are willing to have the uncomfortable and risky conversations. They are the people with whom we most want to work. Because they can and do have the dangerous conversations, we know we can trust them.
Are you a leader coach? Are you known to be able to have the dangerous conversations? Would others call you a coach?
Try This:
Think of something you have complained about recently and then ask yourself, “What is the dangerous conversation I need to have?” Make a promise to have that conversation today. After the conversation, notice how you feel. Do you feel empty? Did you say everything you needed to say to the person at that time? If you felt you held back, notice what you held back and why.
This article is based upon a book I co-authored with Gregg Thompson, Unleashed! Expecting Greatness and Other Secrets of Coaching for Exceptional Performance. To learn more, please visit www.unleashedthecoachingbook.com
