This is an article I wrote a year ago. It captures what I believe is the inner work that all truly effective leaders must do at some point.
Leadership development is self development …
I recently joined a club I never wanted to join. It is the private club no one talks about, but to which so many of us belong. Millions of us walk around, grieving the indescribable loss of a life we once lived; a life which is no longer. There has been an uninvited wake-up call, a call that forever changes our world.
I lost my mother on July 23, 2007. It is the day the world changed, for me.
How did it change?
If you will allow me to use my experience as an example, I promise to share some thoughts on an opportunity available to all of us.
Here is my story …
Prior to my mother’s death, I made decisions based upon what I thought would bring me the most happiness (interpret “happiness” here as broadly as possible). Sometimes I was able to base my determination upon the long-term (ie. the discipline I mustered to complete my graduate degree, trusting in the future value it would bring). However, I can now see that, more often than not, I based it upon the short-term (ie. It would feel so much better to put off having that difficult conversation – the one I know I should have. I will see if I can put it off until tomorrow, perhaps I can even avoid it all together). Throughout everything, my goal was always the same: to make myself happy and, to experience as little pain and discomfort as possible.
Life is different now.
With the recent loss of my mother, I experience constant and pervasive emotional pain every waking hour. It is the first time in my life when nothing I do can make me happy. Life, for me, can no longer be what I wanted it to be. The dream is over. This realization, and my growing acceptance of it over the last six months, has led to have the following conversation with myself …
- The only way to true success is for me to do what is most difficult in each moment. I think too many of us are constantly trying to make life feel good all the time. The tasks required to build character and the inner strength of our spirit are not suppose to feel good. What a realization!
- I think I have been trying to get my needs met – my needs as a spiritual being having human experience – from a world that can never provide for all those needs. How could a material world, the world of form, provide everything a spiritual being requires? It cannot. It was never suppose to. This was simply my earlier misunderstanding.
- Why did I come here again? Was it to be comfortable and content on planet earth? Or, was it to learn, grow, and develop my spirit? If I truly believe it is the latter, then is now not the time I am meant to rise to the occasion? Am I not being given the perfect opportunity to expand and become more – more open, compassionate, giving, and loving? The truth is I know I am.
- If this is so, why then do I feel such anger, resentment and pain? Why is it that all I want to do is retreat, shut down and sometimes even purposely hurt others or see them similarly struggle? At some level, I know all of this is necessary for my development.
- It seems to me that I have never once admired those individuals who are comfortable and happy as much as I have those who have struggled and fought deep within themselves to persist with faith through some of their darkest days: Nelson Mandela, Helen Keller, Dr. Jerri Neilson, Lance Armstrong, and most especially, the incredible courage, openness and love I saw my Mother demonstrate during her illness and final days. If these are the people who I admire most, then isn’t the world providing me with an opportunity to become more like them? I know it is. I just don’t like how hard it is or how much it is going to require of me.
- If I choose to rise to the occasion, what will I have to believe about who I am? What meaning will I need to give to my experience so that there is a purpose for all the pain I now feel? And, do I truly believe there is a purpose? How strong is my faith really? I know I am about to find out.
- Do I believe I will find the internal resources I will need? How did my beautiful mother find them? What about Nelson Mandela during those 27 long years of imprisonment? Do I have even 10% of the strength and courage they had? Will I make it? I do not yet know.
- Will I be able to comfort myself enough so that I do not use my pain to hurt others or retreat completely from life? How will I begin to open and give more love when I am in such incredible and constant pain that all I want to do is give up? Again, I do not yet know.
What I do know is that I am here. And, I am willing to try one more time today. One more time to show others how important they are and that they are not alone; one more moment in which to find something beautiful to celebrate; one more time to laugh with another at the bizarre nature of this human experience we all share – and in those moments – have that fleeting connection which almost makes it all worthwhile.
I know that life is short, extremely short. I also know that now is my opportunity to give away what I most want. It is my chance to become a person like my Mother, a person worthy of admiration. Today, I decide to take that opportunity.
Mom, I miss you. I will always miss you – today as the day you departed.
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